#14: starting over and over
For the past few months, I’ve had a real resistance to creative projects and most things that previously brought me joy. My last newsletter was in September and I’ve been in a bit of a rut since then. As well as hesitance towards writing, I’ve stopped taking a camera with me anywhere I go, I have had a half finished punch-needle project sitting next to my sofa for the last four months, the majority of my sketchbook pages consist of tight, rigid sketches, and just the thought of introducing colour feels daunting.
For a long time, I have been trying various anxiety management techniques, journalling, self-help books etc, but results always felt limited. Recently I’ve had a discovery which has helped me begin to understand more about why I’m so prone to intense self-monitoring and self-criticism, why it all feels just so big and heavy. Turning thirty last month also felt like a chance for a fresh start to approach myself with more compassion and shift my energy towards art, friendships and local community.
Last week, Substack featured my illustration in their newsletter. I don’t know how they stumbled upon it, by total chance, but it means that there are a few new people here reading this. I wanted to take this as an opportunity to push myself to write something, no matter how mundane or uninspired it may feel. Creative block is painful, but small acts do seem to help. My only way out is to gently build the muscle to do things that pause rumination, or ease its intensity, even if it is just momentarily. Thinking about this a lot recently:
Small steps taken over the past few months:
created an ephemera board of tickets, cards and bits of memories my partner has collected over the last nine years. Arranging these in a frame was a fun activity to do together; seeing it really puts a smile on my face
took ourselves out to the Norfolk coast to see seals on the beach
readjusted furniture, included more soft lighting in my space to give myself a soothing atmosphere to be in
a small self portrait in markers and coloured pencil, inspired by Rebecca Green’s annual tradition of painting a self portrait. I did my first one a week before I turned thirty
prepared boxes of small gifts for friends and family for their milestones, this gives me a lot of joy and I find it meditative to put together
typewriting a zine idea - I’m not sure when I’ll illustrate this but just the tactile feeling of using a typewriter brought me out of my head and into the present
drew some sketches, even though I’m not thrilled by how they turned out, it was a feat to pick up a pencil
I’ve watched films and rewatched them, sometimes multiple times in the same week. I find it easier to concentrate when I can anticipate what will happen next. Not only are they comforting but also character-driven, which I take more solace in over plot heavy films.
Recent rewatches include Little Women, Sleepless in Seattle, The Worst Person in the World and Love Aaj Kal.
I had a couple of messages about prints for Cat and Coffee and am currently in the process of getting these ready. It’s available on my website for preorder, and will be dispatched in the next couple of weeks.
Thank you for reading despite the irregularity in my updates
🐈⬛☕️
