#12: on self doubt, confidence and finding community
During May and June I participated in three different craft fairs in my city. That may not seem like a lot but when I think back to this time last year, I had only just built up the confidence to talk about my work with people I know, let alone show it to strangers.
Over the past year, I’ve made an effort to be less guarded about my art, not just by participating at markets but also in conversations with family and friends. As someone who struggles with a lot of self doubt, it has been challenging. I have noticed a huge shift in the way people respond. Sharing the work has brought polarising reactions - quiet discomfort, silence and comments that landed in ways I didn’t expect. It is interesting how people respond when someone they know steps into vulnerability or ambition. It surprised me how often creative work is dismissed or misunderstood. The bright side is that it highlights the people in my life who are truly secure enough in themselves to offer sincere encouragement. Their support is so meaningful and precious.
Sometimes I’m asked how I find the time to do this alongside working full-time. I never know how to answer this, all I can think is that it’s too important to not make the time. I started drawing during the lockdown. As I progressed I realised that I needed to teach myself anatomy, colour theory, line and countless more topics to get this right. Then eventually let go of that to be able to lean into more expressive work. Over time, my entire lifestyle has shifted to surround this. Making art isn’t linear, it is a constant fluctuation. It’s about always making notes, constantly learning about yourself and what it is that you are drawn to. When I’m winding down I watch videos of others making art, when I do chores I listen to podcasts about creativity. It’s always happening, often in the background. After a while your taste develops, and this eventually seeps into the way you dress, the way you decorate your home, the places you visit.
Andy J. Pizza emphasises the need to work on your sensibility and taste in an episode of his podcast Creative Pep Talk. He talks about taste as your ‘creative palate’ and becoming aware of your sensitivity to creative work, what touches you deeply. It’s important to collect the things that light you up in a visceral way because that is what defines your taste. This internal sensitivity will eventually guide you in your own work because it will lead you to the thing that makes your work unique to you and what your niche or art style is.
Recently I found a short story I wrote when I was about twelve. The protagonist was an illustrator living in London, which must have been influenced by my desire to do the same. It made me wonder how much I knew about illustration at that time, it was oddly specific that I wrote illustrator instead of artist. It reminded me that this was always something I wanted to do, it just got lost along the way.
I’ve also realised why finding a local community is important. Illustration, as with many creative careers, is known to be isolating. Finding people who share this language, light up at the same things as you and have the same creative palate is so enriching. One of the fairs I participated in really stood out to me. The Independent Book and Zine Fair, hosted by the lovely independent publishers at Salo Press, allowed me to connect with so many like minded people. I loved the experience of sharing my concertina zine, hearing from others and their stories of travel, home, their creative ventures. It really warmed me to see how kind people are, how much genuine enthusiasm and respect they give when they see artwork they connect with. I tend to forget these moments when I spiral into a negative thought cycle, so I’ve start writing these comments down in a Notion page.
recent pages from my sketchbook
All of the above are in a Moleskine bullet journal. I decided to stop using a dedicated sketchbook and have all of my planning, journalling and sketching in this (although I’m unsure if this is still the right way for me). I’ve also been drawing a lot on tracing paper as it erases so easily and allows me to shift the composition around - something I learnt from my fave, Rebecca Green. This is an idea inspired by vintage Indian advertising that I’m exploring. And I’ve nearly finished my first Blackwing too - so satisfying!
